We've all seen them, those bumper stickers that proclaim, "I love my church!" Well, I haven't always "loved my church." Don't get me wrong now, I'm not saying I haven't loved "the" church because I have, but I haven't loved "my" church. I loved the praise and worship and even the preaching, but I didn't love the church. Are you confused yet? I hope not because that is not where I am going with this.

What the Lord has shown me in the past seven years is quite unsettling spiritually. Just when I think I have arrived at a certain place, it's as if the Lord pulls the carpet out from under me; and sometimes that's a good thing.

When Roger and I made the choice to stay at a certain church where I felt the Lord was telling us to leave, I was reluctant, my spiritual feet were dragging. However, once I got alone with the Lord and agreed with Him that I had much to learn and that Roger was the spiritual head of our home, peace came. It was then that I began to fall in love with my church.

I am a "Sanguine" personality. Sanguines are described as being: extroverted, optimistic, and outspoken. Occasionally, in my case, the optimism is absent because without the needed attention, affection, approval, and acceptance from others we lose hope. Well, what the Lord showed me is all of that has to do with my flesh, and if I understand my Bible correctly, I am supposed to die to that. As they say, "dead people don't get their feelings hurt." Well, my flesh still breathes too much - far too often.

So, I decided that year that I was going to submit to the Lord every aspect of my flesh that He wanted to die. From what I had been told, much of my basic personality would remain in tact, but I would take on new characteristics based on the Holy Spirit.

Now, I don't want you to think that I am a total "flesh walker," I do walk with Holy Spirit power most of the time, but according to my Lord, not nearly enough. Because at that particular time I had not gotten my way at church I walked with a spirit of anger for a long time. Yes, I listened and yes I learned and I even applied what I learned, but I rarely sensed "church." I guess in many ways I leaned far too often on my own understanding of what church is and the Lord had been trying to correct me in that area for a very long time.

Until five years ago I bought a new Bible every year because I marked mine up so badly. Well, this year I choose to just stick with my New Living Translation. God used it to get my attention five years ago through Proverbs 3:5-6, which states: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Well, hello, I needed that different slant to get the part that says to seek HIS will and not to depend on my own understanding! His will is what I've really wanted all along.

Although my soapbox often gets tired and dilapidated, I will remain on it until Jesus comes or He tells me to get off. However, I hope to do more encouraging. I was reminded of the importance of this when I attended a Sunday School Teachers meeting at the church I fell in love with. The Lord humbled me as the Minister of Education shared his heart. That partciular year the Lord led him to use "obedience" as the focus of Sunday School.

Then, when I picked up a little booklet from the church office on Care Groups I had no idea the impact it would make on me. My mind was blown away, I remember thinking to myself, "My church loves ministry! Not just preaching, teaching, and singing – they love people! They love people because they love Jesus and that is what He has called us to do."

However, my flesh kicked into gear when I found that the booklet listed a new category in the S, M, D, W groupings, they added R – remarried! Ouch! Now that is good if we were going to use it for doing ministry, but not good if we were going to use it to keep people from ministry.

Well, God called us out from there through a horrible misunderstanding between the Senior Pastor and me. I have repented for neglecting what my Father once taught me, and I have decided to follow Jesus – and love even when I don't feel like it, will you?

More and more people are being asked to leave certain churches and it breaks my heart. However, I will remain faithful to the Lord, but not necessarily the church of this world!

The rest of my story is recorded on the following pages. Some of it takes place before what is written here, and some of it after. Please don't read it if you are easily offended because it is true...gut wrenchingly true.